Why I Think Spider-Man 3 Sucks!!!

CLUSTERFUCK…THAT’S THE WORD OF THE DAY TO DESCRIBE THIS FILM. LOOK IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU’LL FIND A PICTURE OF THE POSTER OF SPIDER MAN 3 IN IT.
1. For a film having the biggest budget ever…the big action scene at the end was a huge disappointment…boredom was the perfect way to describe it.
2. I never liked Tobey Maguire as Spider Man…I just don’t believe him in the part, and he can’t deliver a wisecrack to save his life. Spider Man in the comics was so cool because he was funny with his wisecracks…much like John McClane in the Die Hard films. The pretty much lost that in the movies….he only did it what maybe 5 times at most through 3 films? And even those are stupid, cheesy, and so damn unfunny. Huge disappointment in that department.
3. Mary Jane was a sexy, cool character in the comics. There was an issue in which Mary Jane sees Parker down in the dumps. So, to cheer him up, she takes off her clothes and says “Let’s shoot some photos for our private collection.” That is a cool character lol….Mary Jane in the comics was sexy, fiery, a free spirit. It helps that she was a supermodel in the comics…what’s wrong with that? But in the movies she wants to be an actress….and she is also the most selfish, annoying, whiny, ball breaking bitch in comic film history. Even at the end of Spider Man 2 she fucking leaves a guy at the altar…in her fucking wedding dress. It reminded me of Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer…when the girl tells him why she didn’t wanna get married on their wedding day and he says “That’s something you could have told me YESTERDAY.“ And even more so in this third film…I was ready to tell Parker “Fuck Mary Jane…leave that bitch and go with Gwen Stacy.”
4. Harry and Peter gave Sam and Frodo a run for their money in the whole ‘Are these two gonna fuck already?’ category…ugh.
5. At times I thought I was watching a fucking day time soap opera….shit Harry actually gets amnesia after a fight….lazy scriptwriting at it’s worst.
6. Speaking of lazy scriptwriting…we’ve seen all this shit before…dealing with Uncle Ben’s killer…Mary Jane and Peter Parker still acting like little kids in their relationships (this is the third god damn movie people!!)
7. Gwen Stacy…why the fuck was she in it…she’s in it for like 5-7 minutes and that’s it…fucking pointless to the extreme.
8. Jesus Christ on a candle stick, why in the holy hell is Spider Man getting his ass handed to him at the end…I counted at least 4 times where he needed Harry’s help otherwise he would have been dead as a shitty doornail. 4 TIMES!!! Spider Man at times in the comics was fucking fighting the Sinister Six…that’s SIX people…here he can’t handle 2 motherfuckers. Christ even Batman handled both the Penguin and Catwoman at the same time. Or Superman battled 3 Krypton bad asses in Superman II by himself. Maybe Maguire’s sissified essence has passed onto Spider Man during battle
9. Random was the film’s fucking baseline. How does Sandman come to be? Oh well he runs for like a minute against cops…gets into a high tech whatever (no explanation as to what the fuck this place is)….a whirly gig thing with sand spins around and then Sandman is born….was I the only one that was saying ‘holy shit balls of fire, what in the flying fuck is going on here.’ Sure it looks kinda cool looking…but compared to the last two it’s not excusable. Also the black symbiotic being…it just falls from the sky and magically it’s at the same time as Parker rides his little scooter . Convenient, very convenient.
10. EMO Peter Parker…see I thought this story was going to be dark ala Batman Begins. Evil…revenge…darkness….nope try HUGE FUCKING JOKE! I’D RATHER MY ASS FUCKED BY A TELEPHONE POLE THAN WATCH PARKER LOOKING LIKE A DRAG QUEEN DANCING THE FUCKING NIGHT AWAY…was Sam Raimi smoking crack or cocaine or whatever during this…cause if so I’d like to have some. You know what, never mind cause it obviously FUCKS YOUR MIND UP BIG TIME ugh.
But you know the biggest sin in this film…it’s one word…VENOM. Now of course you would not know his name was Venom based on this film…it’s never uttered ONE FUCKING TIME. That’s right you never hear the word Venom…WHAT THE FUCK? Besides the Venom we love is in the film for what…10 minutes at most? 10 FUCKING MINUTES…YOUR WHOLE GOD DAMN MARKETING CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT VENOM IN SOME SHAPE OR FORM…AND YOU GOT 250 MILLION BUCKS AND YOU ONLY HAVE VENOM FOR 10 FUCKING MINUTES…and then they blow him the fuck up. Holy sheep shit, does that suck. Venom looked cool too….for the 3 or so times we actually saw the damn thing. If you are a Venom fan, you will feel like you got FUCKED IN THE ASS WITH A RUSTED CHAINSAW. Hell we all know that Sam Raimi doesn’t like Venom, never wanted to do Venom, and oh boy does it show. WELL GOOD JOB BUDDY YOU FUCKED UP VENOM FOREVERMORE IN CINEMA FORM. HOPE YOU’RE DAMN PROUD OF YOURSELF.
Whew sorry bout that rant…but come on all this hype about Venom and then the result is this shitty and…well small. Again I know I’m repeating myself but hearing that it’s a $250 million budget I was expecting a huge bit of Venom…but nope.
All in all…this film disappointed in every way imaginable…it wasn’t dark but instead a joke in a half. Dark Peter Parker wouldn’t be scary at a 5 year old’s birthday party. My dead grandmother could kick evil Parker’s ass in either form. The film could have just been about Venom…he deserved is own film but this is what happens when they get greedy. What I mean by that is San wanted Sandman, the studios wanted Venom, and both understood it would make a killing opening weekend. And it did, making like it’s entire production budget in one weekend. WELL WHOOPIE FUCKING DO, I’M IMPRESSED. NO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM, I’M FUCKING PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU!
Sam Raimi, don’t do Spider Man anymore. You lost your fucking rights…and cast new people to be Spidey and Mary Jane. Make Mary Jane the sexy fiery sass she is in the comics, and make Peter not so much cheesy and more regular guy like (aka ACT FUCKING NORMAL, NOT LIKE YOUR ONE OF THE MY THREE SONS). This series is done. And it’s weird how many times you have an awesome part 2 and then a shitty part 3...like from Blade 2 to Blade: Trinity….X2 to X-Men: The Last Stand…..and now Spider Man 2 to Spider Man 3. Bottom line:
THIS MOVIE SUCKS THE SWEAT OFF MY BALLS
THE END